Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Working for an EOC

I apparently work for an “Employer of Choice”. At least this is what I’ve been told countless times via my employer’s Employer of Choice (EOC) campaign over the last year or so. Perhaps you are wondering (as am I) what being an Employer of Choice actually means. When put in the context of all the firm supplied emails, banners, flyers, etc it appears to mean that the company is one of the best places to work…ever. This could not possibly be true considering it has never been ranked in Fortune’s “100 Best Places to Work for” which appears to be a little less bias and actually includes my firm’s main competitors but somehow omits the so-called EOC. How could this be? Well, when looked at separately, the phrase “Employer of Choice” really just seems to mean that we are talking about an employer that possesses choice. I completely agree with that notion…my employer chooses how much to work and pay me. If they work me enough and pay me little, then the term "Employee of Choice" isn’t even applicable to the situation since there would be no time for me to find another job and not enough in savings to just quit. How perfect is that?

I’m not really sure what my firm is attempting to prove by pouring money into a worthless EOC campaign instead of year-end bonuses. It seems to me that the only rankings that matter are those that are independently published and something that is only circulated internally just borders on brainwashing. Also, I’m more likely to say nicer things about my company when Fortune magazine sends out their survey if I received a 10% bonus as opposed to countless emails about why I should think my company is the most incredible thing since virgin birth.

Don’t’ worry EOC, I do have a solution outside of giving me more money (we all know that isn’t going to happen) that will boost morale and perhaps your workplace rating. The name of the game is work/life balance and the key to achieving that is pregnancy. That’s right; more women need to give birth…employees, spouses, sisters, girlfriends, second wives, etc. I’ve come to figure out that I am more likely to have a project run smoothly and work less overtime if someone located above me in the hierarchy has a kid at home. It makes perfect sense. There are people out there that work incredibly long hours because their manager doesn’t have a life. On the flip side, if little Connor has a soccer game at 6pm, you better believe we are leaving early. In my business, the work that is actually needed could be accomplished in a 40hr week if the right number of people are assigned to the project. However, in a world without children and joy, we are able to somehow come up with some of the most time consuming tasks so we can be marginally more comfortable about our final conclusions.